Anger is a normal, healthy emotion that everyone experiences. What we choose to do with our anger determines whether it is healthy or unhealthy. People that are easily angered may have a low level of tolerance for frustration. They find it difficult to take things in stride or to let things go easily. Generally, these people come from angry households where their lives were chaotic and disruptive and they didn’t learn effective ways to handle frustration or to communicate effectively. The good news is these skills can be learned.

The first step in controlling your anger is to find out what your triggers are and then develop strategies to keep you from escalating to the point where you damage relationships. In our groups we use an anger scale (see below) to help our clients identify the thoughts, feelings, actions and body changes that occur as they progress up the anger scale. One on the anger scale is when a person is calm, and 10 is when the person is completely out of control. As you learn to identify where you are on the scale, you can choose to take a time out (outlined below) before you reach 5. Once a person reaches number 7 on the scale, there is little chance to calm down and think rationally.

Becoming aware of the signs of anger building is essential to gaining control. Use the anger scale below to begin to understand how your anger builds and what is triggering your anger. We have provided some examples to get your started, however your signs may be slightly different.

Taking a Time Out

When you find yourself climbing the anger scale, take a time out before you reach level 5.

• The first step involves identifying ways that you can take a time-out.

If you’re at home, for example, and you start to get heated, can you go to another room or go outside? Where can you go where you’ll have some time to yourself, to gather your thoughts?

If you’re at work when the anger is triggered, can you go for a walk or go to the break room?  Typically, a time-out is done on a physical level, where you actually go somewhere else, like into another room or outside. For obvious reasons, it’s good to avoid potentially harmful time-outs that involve alcohol or driving.

You want to think about benign options ahead of time because when the anger rises, it’s usually harder to think clearly.

• Second, you will likely need to inform others that you will resort to this option from time to time and explain the purpose for doing so.

Communicating this ahead of time is a way of being assertive and avoiding any confusion that others might feel about your behavior. This is particularly important if you’re taking a time-out to diffuse arguments with your significant other. As you may know, it can be very upsetting if you’re arguing with somebody and they suddenly walk away without saying anything. This can actually provoke more anger on the other person’s part, out of feelings of disrespected and abandonment.

So, let your partner know that you’re going to use this strategy and that you will re-connect to finish the dialogue once you’ve cooled off. It can be good to agree upon a set time ahead of time, whenever possible. Something like, “I’m getting angrier as we talk and want to avoid a blow-out…so I need to take a time-out. Maybe we can talk again in another hour?”

It will be important to make sure both members of the couple are in agreement about the time-out process before actually trying it.

• Reduce your level of anger during the time out

During the time-out, try to find ways to calm yourself and let go of whatever triggered the anger.

Choose relaxing activities as the goal is to reduce anger.

Use the STOPP Model to evaluate what triggered you and to gain perspective and determine if you may have misinterpreted the other person.

Stop and Step Back (from the situation, in your mind) Don’t act immediately or automatically. Pause.

Take a Breath

Notice your breath as you breathe in and out.

Observe

What am I thinking and feeling? What are the words that my mind is saying? Are the thoughts accurate or inaccurate? Helpful or unhelpful? Fact or opinion?

Pull Back –Gain Perspective

Is there another way of looking at it? What advice would I give to someone else? What meaning am I giving this event? How important will this be in 6 months?

Practice what works

What is most helpful for this situation?

Think of win-win solutions to the argument.

 

• When you return from the time-out

Stick to your agreement to return at a specified time, if you discussed that with your partner. At that time, if you feel that you’ve calmed down considerably, then go ahead and re-engage in a problem-solving discussion.

If you find that you’re still pretty heated and can’t do this, then take ownership of your emotional state and let the other know that you’re going to need more time.

Again, keep in mind that when emotions are riding high, communication is usually not that fruitful.  So, neither one of you is benefiting by forcing the other to keep hashing things out when in this state.

 

Adapted from https://healthypsych.com/psychology-tools-how-to-take-time-out

 

 

Recommended Video: First Impressions: Exposure to Violence and a Child’s Developing Brain

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=brVOYtNMmKk

Fear

Flight, fight or freeze. Because children are smaller, they typically freeze, so people think there is no response and the children are fine.

Anxiety

Children can begin to develop anxiety, which will impact their whole life.  Male children who witness family violence are more likely to be abusive to their female partner.  Female children are more likely to enter into a relationship where they are abused.

Depression

Depressed children often have behaviour problems. The school might start to complain about how they are. Their behaviour changes. They might become moody. They have physical complaints, like headaches and stomach aches.

Violence

Children and adolescents can become aggressive and fight more. They can often become violent towards themselves too, and engage in risky behaviors or cut themselves.

Anger

Children who are angry often lose the capacity to learn and experience other emotions. Children need to feel all emotions and learn to manage them in a healthy manner.

Substance Abuse

Adolescents might start to seek relief in negative peer groups and drugs or alcohol.

Shame

The children may begin to lie about what is happening in their home out of shame. This prevents them from having open and honest relationships with peers, which impairs their ability to have open honest adult relationships.

Mental Illness

Some children develop severe mental illnesses.

Over Responsibility

Some children become rigid and over controlled. Rigid, over controlled children sometimes develop anorexia.

Regression

Some children act younger than they are, maybe because they need to be comforted because of the distress about the violence in the home.  They may use baby talk, wet the bed, or soil themselves.

 

Potential Impact at Different Ages

 

KEY ASPECTS OF DEVELOPMENT	POTENTIAL IMPACT OF DOMESTIC VIOLENCE
Infants and Toddlers Take in information from the world around them through their senses.     Form secure attachments.     Become more active explorers of their world and learn through play.   Learn about social interaction and relationships from what they hear and observe in their families	ð  Loud noises and vivid visual images associated with violence can be distressing.     ð  Parents may not be able to consistently respond to the infant’s needs which may negatively affect the parent-child bond.   ð  Fear and instability may hinder exploration and play; imitating in play may be related to witnessed aggression.   ð  Learn about aggression in observed interactions
Preschoolers Learn how to express aggression and anger, as well as other emotions, in appropriate ways.     Think in self-focused ways.   Form ideas about gender roles based on social messages.   Increased physical independence (dressing self, etc.).	ð  Learn unhealthy ways of expressing anger and aggression; possibly confused by conflicting messages (e.g., what I see vs. what I’m told).     ð  May attribute violence to something they have done.   ð  Learn gender roles associated with violence and victimization.   ð  Instability may prevent independence; may see regressive behaviors (i.e. bedwetting, sucking thumb, baby talk).

 

KEY ASPECTS OF DEVELOPMENT

POTENTIAL IMPACT OF DOMESTIC VIOLENCE

School-aged Children (6 to 11 years)   Increased emotional awareness of self and others.   Increased complexity in thinking about right and wrong; emphasis on fairness and intent.   Academic and social success at school has primary impact on self-concept.   Increased same sex identification.

ð  More awareness of own reactions to violence at home and of impact on others (e.g., concerns about mother’s safety, father being charged).   ð  Possibly more susceptible to adopting excuses to justify violence (e.g., alcohol causes violence; victim deserved abuse).   ð  Ability to learn may be decreased due to impact of violence (e.g., distracted); may miss positive statements or selectively hear only negatives or induce negative feedback.   ð  May learn gender roles associated with intimate partner abuse (e.g., males as perpetrators – females as victims).

Adapted from http://www.lfcc.on.ca/ece-us.PDF

Talking to Your Children When There has been Violence in the Home

• Talk about it when they are ready. Offer to discuss the abuse whenever they are ready, or answer their questions.
• Listen to them without interrupting.
• Talk about their feelings.
• Show understanding and empathy.
• Tell them it’s not their fault.
• Tell them you love them.
• Tell them you will try and keep them safe and intend to act in a way that is safe for everyone.
• Let them know that violence is never okay.
• Talk about how hard it must be to talk about it right now.
• Always act in a way that is not violent or abusive with your children.
• Take them for counselling if needed.
• If your child acts violently, talk about it right away. Set limits and discuss ow confusing this must be.
• Be patient – it might take a while for your child to respond.
• Take care of yourself and manage your own guilt and regret.

 

Based on Helping Children Who Witness Domestic Violence: A Guide for Parents (Instructor’s Manual) by Meg Crager and Lily Anderson. (1997)

How YOUR Denial Impacts Your Children

• Violence/abuse appears “normal”
• Your child may be afraid to talk about the abuse because it seems okay to everyone else.
• Your child may not understand what is happening and experience confusion.
• Children usually blame themselves
• Because no on talks about what is happening, children learn to deny their own thoughts and feelings. They do not learn how to discuss and resolve important things.
• Children may feel crazy
• They may feel lonely and isolated from their friends

 

Based on Helping Children Who Witness Domestic Violence: A Guide for Parents (Instructor’s Manual) by Meg Crager and Lily Anderson. (1997)

 

Shame is the most powerful, master emotion. It’s the fear that we’re not good enough.
~ Brene Brown

Guilt and shame go hand-in-hand.  Like guilt, shame is a necessary human emotion as it helps us develop a moral compass.  When we feel guilt and shame it is because we have done something wrong that goes against our core values and beliefs.  Guilt and shame are positive responses of psychologically healthy people when they realize they have done something wrong. These emotions lead to a correction and change in behaviour.

Toxic shame on the other hand is the feeling of being something wrong.  It causes us to feel flawed and defective and therefore unworthy of love and belonging.  Toxic shame covers an internal state of inadequacy, unworthiness, or regret.  It erodes the sense of self and tends to direct people into destructive behaviours.  Feelings of toxic shame produce anger, rage or other irrational behaviours.  Fearing rejection, individuals become perfectionists, withdraw from people, seek the approval of others and become overly responsible.  Toxic shame is often the experience that underlies violent acts, addiction, infidelity, eating disorders, excessive dependency in relationships, and so many other problematic behaviors.

As children we develop an internalized view of ourselves as adequate or inadequate.  If children are continually criticized, severely punished, neglected, abandoned, abused or mistreated, they begin to think of themselves as inadequate, inferior or unworthy.  Feelings of inferiority contribute to low self-esteem leading to over sensitivity and a fear of rejection.  This is a common emotional response in adult children of alcoholic parents, as well as those who grew up with depressed parents, abuse, religious fanaticism, war, cultural oppression, or adult or sibling death.  All of these experiences cause an individual to feel vulnerable, helpless and shamed.

Toxic shame can be triggered by another person or a circumstance and from a failure to meet your own unrealistic ideals or standards.  The first step to healing toxic shame is to recognize the feelings of shame in your life.  The following statements contribute to a sense of shame and can be spoken by another person or you can say them to yourself:

That was so stupid. I can’t believe you said that!

You will never amount to anything!

Who would want to be with you! You’re ugly and disgusting!

You’ll never be as good as your friends! You’re such a loser!

Can you see how statements like this erode your self-worth and lead to a sense of shame?  Are you shaming yourself?  Are there people in your life that shame you?  If someone else makes these statements, it may be necessary to separate yourself from that relationship. If you make these statements, learn self-compassion.  Don’t judge yourself or allow others to judge you. Don’t blame yourself for situations you are not responsible for. Get to know yourself and accept who you are. Forgive yourself and others.  Love, respect and protect yourself. Practice compassion. Eventually you will reduce your feelings of shame and increase your self-worth.

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Wendy Rhyason, MA Counselling Psychology
Registered Provisional Psychologist
Executive Director, Edmonton Family Violence Centre

As we go throughout our day, we all have internal conversations that provide opinions and evaluations on what we are doing. This inner monologue is called “self-talk.” When your self-talk is positive and self-validating, the results can boost your productivity. However, when the voice is critical and harsh, the effect can be emotionally crippling.

I grew up with parents that had extremely high standards and were very critical. I tried hard to meet their expectations but I never measured up and the continual criticism shaped how I viewed myself. Years later when seeing a therapist to deal with issues from my past, I realized that I had taken over their role as critic and held myself to impossible standards. This revelation opened the door to make changes to my self-talk that were life changing.

If you grew up with critical parents, teachers or others you too may have come to believe many negative things about yourself and you may be striving to reach impossibly high standards. When you are harsh, unkind and critical of yourself the affect is dramatic. Psychologist Dr. T.E. Chansky, author of Freeing Yourself From Anxiety explained that studies show negative self-talk is associated with low self-esteem, perfectionism, higher stress levels and even depression.

What do you say to yourself when you’ve made a mistake or have done something embarrassing? Do you tell yourself “that was stupid” “I’m such an idiot?” “What’s wrong with me?” or “Why can’t I do anything right?” This type of self-talk is destructive and causes you to question yourself so you can become paralyzed with doubt and uncertainty. If a friend did something embarrassing or made a mistake, would you be critical or supportive? Do you treat yourself with the same level of grace, encouragement and forgiveness that you extend to others?

Negative self-talk is a habit and the good news is you can change it to be positive, and encouraging. The first step toward change is to recognize what you are saying to yourself. Pay attention to your inner voice as you go throughout your day. Note what you say, either out loud or in your mind. You may be surprised at what you discover.

Once you begin to recognize negative self-talk, change the voice by choosing to focus on the things you do well. What are your strengths? Are you a good friend? Do you have a lot of inner strength? Are you a survivor? If you are a Christian, look in the Bible for all the verses that speak of your value in God’s eyes. Write these statements down and when you become self-critical remind yourself of the positive. With practice, you will eventually replace your critical voice with one that is more supportive. Speaking from personal experience and from what I’ve observed when counselling clients, becoming your own friend and cheerleader changes your negative self-concept, reduces anxiety, builds confidence and promotes inner peace.

Are you struggling with critical self-talk? Replace the critical voice with one that is encouraging, supportive and forgiving. Remember, if you wouldn’t say it to your friend, don’t say it to yourself.

Wendy Rhyason, MA Counselling Psychology
Registered Provisional Psychologist
Executive Director

Wendy Rhyason, MA Counselling Psychology
Registered Provisional Psychologist
Executive Director

When people talk about domestic violence the person that is abusive is often condemned and judged as evil.  I’ve heard many people say, “Lock them up and throw away the keys!”  When our clients come to our treatment groups, they are filled with shame because they know society sees them as monsters and villains.  This shame leads to isolation and a sense of unworthiness.  How many people do you think will reach out for help with abusive behaviour when they know they will be judged and condemned?

Our view of these individuals is quite different.  We don’t see monsters or villains.  We see hurting people that lack the skills to cope and handle their anger and frustration in a healthy manner. They lack skills! They don’t want to act this way.  They do so because this is what they know.  Most people that commit acts of domestic violence grew up in abusive homes and learned this behaviour from their parents.  They live what they’ve learned.  Does it excuse their behaviour?  No, but it helps us to understand why it happens.  We believe we have a responsibility to help our fellow human beings and that we view them through the statement, “There but for the grace of God go I.”

Part of our mission at The Edmonton Family Violence Centre is to advocate for these individuals and help people understand that condemning these men and women does nothing to solve the problem.  The key to prevent further acts of domestic violence is to teach new skills and to provide the support, compassion and encouragement they need to change their behaviour.  If we intervene in the lives of these individuals, they can end their abusive behaviour and impact their families in positive ways.  They can model a healthy way of handling anger and frustration to their children and break the cycle for the next generation.

Viewing people that commit acts of domestic violence as villains and monsters prevents them from reaching out for help and receiving the support they need.  We believe there should be consequences for domestic violence, but we also believe we need to offer these men and women support, compassion and encouragement to help them learn from their mistakes and make healthy changes.